This is shaping up to be a very emotionally confusing Valentine’s Day. (A more extensive discussion of emotions will follow by Friday, 2/21/20.)
This is the first Valentine’s Day since 2016 on which i have had a Valentine. It is the second Valentine’s Day in my life that i have had a Valentine. The first time, though, the relationship was dead about 3 weeks later, and while i don’t fear a breakup this time, i would be lying if i said my heart wasn’t fighting doubts.
But it’s why I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. If i focus on Him, He’ll guide me on the path in which i should walk, and i will then have much more confidence that this Valentine will be my life-Valentine than i will have fear that i will lose her.
But let’s get into more of the emotional confusion I’m fighting. And if i do this right, it will all tie together perfectly in the end.
I lost my grand-uncle last Sunday. My maternal grandmother’s brother-in-law. This was a man who took an interest in me as early as i can remember him entering my grand-aunt’s life. One of my fondest memories of him was when they visited (all the way from the east coast), and he played baseball with me.
As soon as i overheard the phone call and heard that he had passed, i almost cried. I realized i hadn’t seen him in nearly a decade. I hadn’t spoken to him in almost a decade. And now he’s gone. Sure, we’ll be reunited in heaven someday, but it doesn’t remove the regret that i didn’t put in more of an effort to keep in touch.
He influenced my life considerably, and he helped me pay for many LEGO sets growing up, and (if i remember correctly) he also gave me my first iPod touch when i was in high school. As i write this, even more memories are flooding into my mind…
But the story doesn’t end there. His memorial service is this weekend, and my maternal grandparents flew out to Ohio to be present.
This morning, my grandfather was taken to the emergency room for tear-inducing chest pain. (I’ve never seen my grandfather cry.) We don’t know what’s wrong, but the last i heard was that he was still in the hospital. It might be a gallbladder. (Edit: It’s an inflamed pancreas, and he has a doctor’s appointment here in California on Thursday, 2/20/20.)
My mind always plays worst-case scenarios. It’s unfortunately how i’m wired, which is why i must regularly pray for faith and a renewing of my mind. (I covet your prayers for these things as well.) So all i can do right now is pray.
But it’s tough because it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s my second opportunity in life to actually have a Valentine, but part of me feels like it’s wrong of me to be happy right now. (Or maybe i’m confused and foolish, but cf. Romans 12:15.)
But this verse pops into my mind today:
Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death; ardent love is as unrelenting as Sheol. Love’s flames are fiery flames — the fiercest of all. Mighty waters cannot extinguish love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If a man were to give all his wealth for love, it would be utterly scorned.Song of Songs 8:6-7 (HCSB)
“Many waters cannot extinguish love.”
“Rivers cannot sweep [love] away.”
“Love is as strong as death.”
According to Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:8, “love never ends,” which would argue that love is actually stronger than death.
Death doesn’t have the last word.
This is an extremely encouraging word at this time.
If waters and death can’t hurt love, then i certainly need not fear doubts about my current situation. If my Valentine and i genuinely love each other (which i choose to believe we do), then nothing can change that.
And now it’s time to go celebrate Valentine’s Day together. I pray that it’s the first of many we spend together.
I’m sure these musings are unhelpful to any family members reading, but i wanted to write a Valentine’s Day post this year, and this is what’s been on my heart. You are in my prayers.
In this with you.
Soli Deo Gloria
Thanks for reading.