The Struggle is STILL Real

Recently (and it’s clearly nothing new) I’ve felt a bit like a Jedi during Order 66 in Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Dodging blaster bolts. Parrying blaster bolts. Fighting for my life. Fighting for the lives of those I care about.

In a struggle like that, something is bound to be missed. Much like the Jedi fall, I’ve let things drop as well–this blog being a primary casualty. (I won’t pretend that I will blog more consistently going forward since I’ve told that lie too many times already.)

I’m busy trying to complete a Master’s degree (including a thesis) by December. I’m busy working as a substitute teacher every school day (and summer school hopefully). I’m busy loving my wife to the best of my ability and helping her raise our fifteen-month-old son. I’m also busy introspecting.

I lose so much time doing the latter. Taking one thought and running it out to the most asinine conclusion. This leads to anxiety and depression–my brainfellows for far too long. In worse moments, I consider how much easier it would be to just end it, but then I think about my wife and son and how utterly selfish that would be.

I’ve been going to a support group for the past few weeks related to this struggle, and I’ve learned a lot of interesting things. First and foremost: shame is very likely behind my anxiety and depression. And one of the key ways shame plays out is by exposing dirty laundry in a search for acceptance.

I do this far too much. My first novel, Stranded, did this as it relates to my life before Christ (birth to 18), and I want(ed) to write two more–Soldier and Survivor–that focus on my journey with Jesus (18 to present [at time of writing book 3]). However, this would just be an exposing of dirty laundry at this point, since (at least in my eyes) my shame outweighs my good fruit.

This realization has led me to can those projects–at least for the time being–enabling me to dodge one less enemy as I walk this life.

That said though, I do intend to put more intentional time into fiction writing. I have a lot of projects in my head, two whole novel drafts completed, and I need to actively invest in this gift God has given me. If you’re interested in receiving early drafts and offering feedback, send me a message here.

I also intend on submitting biblical-themed writing for publication in the coming months.

This blog won’t die, but it might only be updated (at best) once a month.

Thanks for continuing with me on this journey.

In this with you.

Soli Deo Gloria

Thanks for reading.